My defense/exam is in two todays and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.
(It’s providing excellent fuel for my review process, though.)
Anxiety is, of course, an anticipatory emotion, our fear of what may happen. What if I freeze up and forget everything about Emile? What if I say something untrue? What if everyone turns against me and starts pelting me with rotten tomatoes?
I didn’t say it was a rational emotion. In fact, far from it.
The weird thing is I know I’m capable of doing this. I’ve been talking lucidly about this topic for over six months now. Not only to my advisor, but to anyone who asked about the project. So I know I can do it. I just don’t know if I will.
The anxiety is annoying, because it doesn’t respond to reason. It’s in many ways involuntary. I don’t even spend that much time psyching myself out–the questions above don’t occur me all that often. And yet, nerves.
If past experience serves, once I get started, I’ll be fine. Shaky hands, maybe dry mouth, but otherwise fine. Like I said last week, it should have the potential to be fun. I just need to convince my lizard brain that’s the case.
It seems to like deep breathing, which, y’know, makes sense. Yoga is definitely on the docket for Thursday. There’s also the happy anticipation of celebrating with friends and family after. And today I’m going to a friend’s defense/exam. To be supportive, of course, but also to get the lay of the land. I hope that, too, will help.
Stupid lizard brain.