More Ace Confessions

Snazzy title, right?

It is Pride Month, which is awesome because Pride is awesome. But it also means there is a lot of internet wank about asexuality going around, per usual, because asexuals are not real queer people and aren’t oppressed and are just virgins who want attention and need to get laid.

Le sigh.

But I’m not going to talk about that, because why argue with people who don’t want to listen to you and can’t hear how hypocritical they sound because their heads are so far up…


I’ve said before that identifying as asexual is sort of strange because I don’t necessarily think about it on a daily basis. I don’t know anyone who goes around recognizing their lack of sexual attraction to each person they see. It’d be an unusual way to live your life. If you were still figuring it out, you’d probably think about it more but once the “aha!” of the identity slides into place, it’s usually a nonissue. There are other things you think about but the expression of asexuality is…as you might expect not at all like the expression of other sexualities.

But! That doesn’t mean ace people don’t ever wonder or think about sexuality or relationships.

Because being ace doesn’t mean you’re not sometimes subject to the same neurochemicals that fuck with everyone else. For example, I, as a 29-year-old woman, occasionally wake up in the middle of the night because some asshole voice is shouting from the deep recesses of my pituitary gland: “WE MUST PAIRBOND AND RAISE A CHILD.”

Me: “Be quiet. I’m trying to sleep.”


Me: “Shh. There are other ways to have families.”


Me: “And who are we even romantically inclined to?”


Me: “Exactly. Go to sleep.”

Real lady talk: this is the same asshole who wrecks my uterus every month because there’s not a kid in it. It sucks.

The point is, though, that these weird wake-up calls don’t make me any less ace. Some asexual people even have sex–they’re still asexual!

Sexuality is fluid and a spectrum and it shifts over the course of our lives. I think it’s fine to keep wondering about yourself and checking in. If something’s changed, that’s something else to explore. But our brains and our identities are complicated things. So I also wouldn’t get torn up because of a passing inclination or curiosity. That goes for everybody.

In general, if an identity feels right to you, then embrace it. If it expresses itself in weird ways sometimes, that’s okay. If it no longer feels right to you, that’s okay, too. And it’s also your business. I think we all too often want to police each other’s self expression when we don’t even have a good handle on our own. Is it kind of unusual to meet a lesbian married to a man? Maybe, but it’s also none of your fucking business.

Now, I get that some people in the queer community think others are being appropriative or trying to insinuate themselves where they don’t really belong. That may or may not be a legitimate fear–but don’t we also have bigger problems?

PS. It should go without saying that I’m talking about my own experiences and other people might express their asexuality in other ways because OH MY GOD PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. 


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